It has been a very long time since I have written and I feel that now is the time to carry on my story. Since writing Chapter 10, a LOT has happened. I am currently single and I am completely content with that. I realised quite a lot of things and one of them is that I have healing and growing to do before I enter a life-long relationship.
It’s true that we all have baggage and past issues that come up in different situations. Since chapter 10, the person I was in a relationship and I just could not make it work, as much as we wanted it to. I realised I was losing who I was during the process, so I made a decision that was not easy for me…again I decided to walk away. I had to scale down a lot and start all over again….again. I stepped into the unknown with faith that everything would work out for the best. With no stable income, I just did it. The months following this were liberating yet challenging. I was pushed in directions I never knew were possible for me. I grew, and grew and grew and thought I had let go, but I had not. I was unable to cry for a very long time and I closed my heart off completely. I thought that being tough was enough. It was not.
I had also decided that I needed to make an extra income as I wanted to create freedom for myself and my son. I took on another business venture in Network Marketing (gasp!). During this time, I realised even more who my true friends were as many were not willing to support me or even hear about this new exciting business of mine. I experienced a lot of judgement, resistance and negativity from others, and it was not easy. It should have caused me to quit, but it didn’t. You see I had a bigger vision for my life and it made me take stock and I realised that not everyone shares that vision as I do. I experienced a lot of successes and failures along the way. Each one taught me more about life and about myself. I began attending the company’s events and with each one I broke through more barriers and fears and I began a whole new journey of growth.
You see, we don’t know what we don’t know. Just when you think you know it all, life knocks you off your pedestal and you learn something new. Over the past year, I have learnt more than I ever have in my entire lifetime. I have learnt what true commitment is. I have learnt what it is like to not want to get out of bed, but getting up anyway because it will move you further toward your goal. I got stuck in and decided that I would find a way to make it work, even though the majority of my friends were not interested. I would find the ones who were! I refused to go back and get a job because it would set me back working towards my dreams and I forged on. I had to go into debt but I knew that it was only temporary.
Over the past year, old habits have crept back. A crutch maybe? We often go back to the things we know in order to soothe ourselves. As they say, “old habits die hard” and oh how that is true when you are going through a tough time. At first I judged myself, but then realised I was just doing what I was doing to cope with the pain I had been through. There was obviously a trigger of old emotions that led to this.
Fast forward a few months…the man who I was in a relationship with came back into my life. I did not expect it. We spoke about things in depth and everything seemed to be so much better between us. We decided to just take things as they came and be in the moment and everything was amazing. We then decided to have a conversation regarding the road forward and in hindsight that was not a good idea. It brought up expectations and a discomfort. From there onwards, things were not great. It was clear (as it was the first time) that it was not meant to be. I made a decision again to walk away. But this time it was different. I realise he came back into my life in order for me to get to the point of peace. The anger was no longer there and I have accepted things as they are.
In February this year, there were a series of stressful events that led me into a very dark patch. I fell back into a pattern of fear but soon realised that is wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so I put on my big girl panties and started instilling a surrendering and decided to have absolute faith instead. It’s all about get back up when you feel defeated
I have been going through a lot of personal change once again and have realised this: If I do not value and love myself, then others will not value and love me the way I deserve to be loved either. You see my biggest issue is that I have always believed that I am not good enough, I am not complete and I am not worthy of being loved. This has been my biggest downfall in the past.
Since I walked away from an undesirable situation for the second time, my wellness business has picked up again. I have started setting the intention that the right people who need healing will be brought to me. I have started speaking to myself differently and telling myself that I deserve love and abundance. The right people will enter my life and I will attract the right kind of people into my other business. I have also started to tell myself that I am worthy, valued and powerful beyond my own limited thinking. My healing work has gone to another level and I have taken time to reflect and go within to look for answers. I have been forced to have faith like never before! I have been forced to value myself as a powerful healer and business women who makes a positive impact in people’s lives. You see the only thing holding me back was ME! My fears, self-doubt and limited beliefs have been getting in the way of being the radiant being of light that I am.
I am done blaming other people, situations or circumstances for where I am at and how I feel. I am learning to take my power back and do what is right for me, regardless of what anyone thinks or says. I am still a work in progress and will be for a long time because the learning will never stop! I have had to get VERY uncomfortable to learn all these lessons and I am grateful for every single one.
Over the past year have had the most amazing experiences of my lifetime. I have made the most awesome like-minded friends globally, I have expanded my consciousness, I have played like a child in Disneyworld, but most of all, I have starting growing into the person I am, and not who I thought I was told to be. I have started to experience the goodness in the world and the joy in others brings joy to me.
The people have met and connected with have all been a blessing on my journey. You see the journey to be a better person will never ever end. The biggest lesson in my entire 36 years of existence is: To have better, I need to be better…to have more, I need to be more!
There have been ups and downs and that is part of life. The only constant is change, and the sooner we get used to that, the better life will be. I am constantly being challenged and tested and I know it is because my calling is high. God wants me to grow and become the best version of me possible.
So until I have arrived at a place of complete acceptance of who I am and love and value myself for it, it is not right for me to be in a relationship with anyone. I deserve the best and so does the person I am destined to be with. Until I can give and receive with absolute unconditional love and joy, then I will walk this journey alone. I know that my soul mate is out there and I will meet him exactly when the time is right. Until then, I will walk with God and my Angels protecting me, loving me and helping me become the best woman I can be. I will focus on being the best mom possible and work on getting closer to my dream of living in absolute freedom and helping others do the same. I am grateful and blessed with abundance.
I have learnt many lessons over the past year (some I am still busy learning) and I have put together a list of the top 10 for you:
- Stop judging myself and others
- Let go of my shit
- Value and love myself – I am AWESOME!
- Take time out to centre myself – Pray | Meditate | Take a walk in nature | Indulge | Read | Paint or draw | Take a hot bubble bath
- Help someone else / serve others
- Be authentic
- Work on myself…constantly, to become a better person
- Focus on what I WANT, not on what I don’t want
- Embrace change. There is no use resisting it, it’s going to happen anyway
- Stay optimistic, no matter how challenging it may be
Because there have been plenty more than 10, I have listed the rest for you below if you would like to have a read:
- People will judge me anyway. It’s not my stuff, it is theirs
- Don’t take rejection personally
- Stop trying to be perfect (What is perfection anyway?)
- De-clutter: My house, my car, my mind!
- Find someone who has what I want (lifestyle, attitude, mindset, confidence or any quality or trait) and do what they do. Eventually I will have what they have. Use them as inspiration and motivation to become better.
- Remember life is a journey, not a sprint! (I have learnt this the hard way)
- Tell my mind to shut the hell up
- Meet new people
- Never stop learning and growing
- Change my perspective
- Get out of my comfort zone. Try something new.
- Don’t settle
- Don’t take things personally. The way other people behave is a reflection of their reality, not mine
- Acknowledge myself for how far I have come and what I have achieved
- Acknowledge others
- Listen to advice. Take the good. Leave the bad.
- Become a good student
- Listen to my body
- Leave an unhealthy situation – it’s not worth it
- Do what makes ME happy
- Nurture my inner child (I need to hear this one more)
- Say yes more often
- Say no to anything that doesn’t feel right
- Explore more
- Go on more adventures!
- When in doubt – WING IT
- Be in the moment
- Have no expectations of others
- Stay optimistic
*I have by no means mastered any of these. I am writing these as a reminder to myself as much as I am for you. We are all learning and all in this life together.
And remember: Champions Adjust!